Disappointment, expectations, and self-discovery: Unpacking the questions we ask others
It struck me the other day how people inadvertently get caught in disappointment (in others) with little or no way out except a blow out whether small or large. But then it also dawned on me that with a little bit of self-reflection, courage, and assertiveness that disappointment can develop into a sense of personal power and self-discovery.
What it means and how to work it:
Firstly it means becoming attuned to the questions we sometimes ask when we are feeling disappointed by someone else. Examples: “Why did you come home so late ...?” Or “How come you didn’t do what I asked you ...?” These questions come with tones of voices that are usually sharp and disapproving. Basically we are asking the other to account for themselves and their behaviour and expressing our obvious displeasure through a question. It goes without saying - this is not super direct and more often than not - not productive in the least !!
Think of an example in your own life. Remember a time when, instead of speaking your truth, you asked someone to account for theirs.
In the moments of those questions perhaps what are we really saying is “I am disappointed,” or “I am hurt,” or “I am feeling let down,” or “I am feeling neglected,” or “you haven’t met my expectations,” but essentially using the question about what they have or haven’t done to express feelings and throw the spotlight on them. We highlight the other as we ourselves hide in the safety of the question we’ve asked. We might call this being passive aggressive. What are we actually trying to accomplish with that question? Are we trying to open a dialogue, to express our feelings of hurt, or are we trying to communicate a need? What underlies the question we are asking - in other words, for what are we looking??
What sometimes comes of those questions with friends, family, partners, and colleagues is - naturally and is to be expected - defensiveness, hurt feelings, arguments, misunderstandings, and the like. The questions we ask sound like an attack.
How about if we turn that process inside out and instead of asking questions about what did or didn’t happen or how the person didn’t meet our expectations, why don’t we ask for what we need or would like?? For example: “It would be really meaningful to me if you could spend some time with me....” or “Can you please empty the dishwasher .....” or “I have a need for communication - do you think we/you could find a way to fulfill that need?” And so on.
Doesn’t that approach seem a little more honest, assertive, to the point, and direct? I think sometimes we ask questions to avoid making statements about what is going on for us. It seems easier to be passive than to be gently assertive or to express our own vulnerability. Perhaps most of the time we haven’t even taken the time to explore our own internal process and we don’t actually know what’s going on for us. We just ask the question because we are hurt or angry and feeling out of sorts. It’s a kind of knee-jerk reaction instead of a mindful and reflective process.
A few good guidelines:
#1 Check in with your feelings
When you feel let down, hurt, or aggravated by someone and explore whether you want to ask a question to get someone else to account for your disappointment or whether you want to assert your wants/expectations/needs because you think/feel its will be more productive?
#2 People are not mind readers
Must always remember that people are not mind readers - we need to express our feelings, needs, expectations, and wants or they will not know...even if we think they should.
#3 Express your feelings
When I suggest expressing those things I am specifically referring to expressing those things nicely: The intent for which is nicely and calmly dealing with / resolving the negative emotion that has been experienced. People typically do not respond well to sarcasm and sharp tongues. The process of self-reflection will likely abate the initial drive to lash out but still check in with your choice of words and tone of voice. Nice, calm, and open are communication dispositions that lead to dialogue over defensiveness!!
#4 Be assertive
Owning your feelings and asking for what you want- is a way to increase one’s personal sense of self, worth, and power. It is less manipulative, less likely to make someone defensive, and more likely to yield results. It also helps you to know you better.
This doesn’t mean that asking someone to account for what they’ve done, if they’ve done wrong, is a no-no 100% of the time: No, definitely not. This is just about developing an awareness and playing with the idea that sometimes the questions we ask in the moments of disappointment and hurt obscure us from attending to, asking for, and expressing/owning our own feelings, needs, wants, and expectations. This is rather about increasing a kind of self awareness, self expression, self understanding, and ultimately self-love rather than letting someone else off the hook.
Try it :) you might avoid the same fight, tiff, argument, hurt, or disappointment you’ve been having for years by being more direct about what you want, why, and how it makes you feel. Try to be gentle and honest. Don’t be afraid of showing vulnerability. Being that kind of straight forward is a real strength to work on and for.